"You've been Perped"

I know I'm deviating from the plan I laid out in the last post but it's for good reason...and it's a short post. It has just come to my attention that The "Perp" has been granted verb status by the Bureau of Girls That Get F*cked A Lot (BGTGFAL for those of you in the biz) and can be used in lieu of f*cked, worked, destroyed, porked or any other clever and perverted word you can think of to describe it.

Apparently, sometime during The Perp's pseudo-relationship, word got back to Stinky-Feet's manager that she was getting run-through by The Perp. During a conversation about the situation, said manager single-handedly wrote The Perp into history by using his name as a verb. "So you've been Perped" is the usage she so cleverly coined and it will most likely follow him (and probably her) for life.

Anyways, I've got to get back to work but I thought I'd throw this up online real quick. Oh, and if you didn't catch onto this, the verb "Perped" is obviously this blogs way of indicating that the manager turned The Perp's real last name into a verb. We've changed the names to protect the not so 'innocent'.

The Front Desk Debacle

Well, after a much longer break than planned, here is another post. If you readers would get another 2,000,000 people reading this blog maybe I could quit my job and still pay the mortgage…but since I don’t see that happening stories just have to come second.

Anyways, as promised, here is a little history behind the ‘hotel employee’, ‘front desk girl’, or any of the other creative names we may come up with throughout the history of our posting. While I could escape this with a quick, she worked the front desk, The Perp worked her and things ended poorly…I won’t do that to you. I’ll give you the great history behind this debacle. Please note that this post should be the ‘poster child’ for why you don’t “shit where you sleep”…read: don’t nail hotel employees at a hotel you stay at often.

The Stalking:
Well, it was doomed from the beginning. Honestly, watching this whole thing unfold was like staring at a train slowly plow towards a wreck. To begin this love affair…she stalked him. No, I’m not even kidding. I can’t make this stuff up!

So, I check in one Monday, as I do, and the employee in question is working. I get a concierge wing level room (this doesn’t happen often, more on this under the ‘black-balled’ section) and after dropping off my bags in my room, I head to the lounge to get a snack. I’ve been coming here for a while at this point, so I know the concierge lounge girl (think of a crack head in a cheap black suit) and after getting my Diet Pepsi and sitting down with some veggies and fruit, she strolls over and tells me that her friend at the front desk thinks The Perp is cute. I think this is great and encourage it!

Well, I tell The Perp and of course he is giddy…I mean, almost like a little schoolgirl. He’s convinced that he’ll have a very convenient lady friend now.

That weekend, The Perp gets a MySpace email! Now, I don’t do the whole MySpace thing, but I do know that it required the front desk girl search him out. Not only did she search him out, I heard from a little birdie (i.e. the concierge lounge crack head) that she looked up his email address from the ‘Fancy Hotel’ reservation system and then used that to find him on MySpace. Really? Who does that? And if you do do that, who admits to it? I laugh hysterically at this and inform the lounge bunny that her friend at the front desk is a stalker. This makes its way back to the front desk girl who is apparently embarrassed…really? I wonder why!

This should have been the end…but if that wasn’t enough, I find out her age on MySpace is ‘69’. Nope…didn’t make that up either.

The Hookup:
So wow is this a great story. The Perp, KGB (more on him later, I’m planning a ‘guest appearance’ from him in a couple posts) and I go for beers…it turns out that it’s $1.50 pints of Blue Moon so I decide to get ripped. I don’t know exactly how many I had, but I do know that my tab (including a $10 meal and tip) was $50…if I drank 20 pints in the 4 hours we were out I guess I’m lucky to be standing. I do know we did car bombs at one point...so hopefully I bought those for everyone?!? But I digress.

The Perp informs us that his hotel girl will be meeting us there in a little bit. KGB and I think this is great and plot out how we’re going to make fun of her. She show’s up and I will be honest, she looked pretty cute and I was pretty stoked for The Perp – tonight was supposed to be the big night. Anyways, we continue pounding beers.

Around 12:30 we get a tap on the shoulder asking us to pack it up. Me to the bar tender, “Really? Are you running a day care here or something? It’s only midnight?”. We get our checks and leave.

I walk over and find KGB talking to a girl and ask him where The Perp is. He points over about 20 yards and The Perp and the hotel girl are making out in the parking lot. Classy! We sit down on a ‘bench’ of some sort and wait for a few minutes. We look back over and they are no where to be found…wtf!

We wait a little while longer and then attempt a couple phone calls. Nothing goes through so we’re like, “f this, we’re going home”.

It turns out that after 30 minutes of making out in the parking lot they decided to go back to the hotel. That’s right folks…she did the walk of shame at her place of employment. Classy numero dos!

And so it begins!

The Stinky Feet:
There isn’t much to say here…it’s pretty self-explanatory. I just wanted to throw it in there for good measure.

So, The Perp and I grab beers after work one day and he tells me that the previous night the front desk girl came over right after work (i.e. she walked 600 yards). He said she took off her shoes and even after using his shower to clean them (the nerve of this girl! Are you poor? Go home and use your own shower. The Perp isn’t running a homeless shelter. ) they still stunk horribly. He said it was a formidable scent and he coined her ‘stinky feet’. He said she laughed a little bit but he asked that I never call her that to her face…I still tried on several occasions to no avail.

Oh well…I guess I’ll try that again when I’m ready to be black-balled.

The Shadiness:
So, now she starts being shady. At this point I’m pretty over the whole Perp + hotel girl thing because well, I now think she sucks. Mostly because of some of the shadiness…but what do you expect from a 69 year old?!?

I don’t have many details from this period of the ‘relationship’ but she ‘lost’ her phone on several occasions, wouldn’t answer calls but would return text-messages, etc. The list goes on but we’ll leave it at she got really shady and that led to her demise.

The Black-Balling:
Note to self…don’t piss of the hotel employees (I hope they don’t ever find this blog:)). Extra, extra, read all about it – The Perp no longer gets preferential treatment at the ‘Fancy Hotel’!!!!! So, The Perp is now lucky to get into the concierge wing and a top floor room is clearly out of the question. While one week he was out looking at new hotels (see next point) in the ‘Fancy Hotel’ family, he has received crappy rooms two weeks in a row. I think Ms. Sixty-Nine is a little bitter. Btw, I thought spelling it out would make it a little less ridiculous…but I was wrong. It’s still absurd!

Well, now that he’s officially off the A-list and we B-list celebrities are moving up in the world. FYI, females need not apply for concierge wing rooms…the ‘ladies’ at the front desk only give them to dudes. I’m not even kidding; I’ve got two witnesses who have more than enough status at the ‘Fancy Hotel’ and still don’t get them!

The New Hotel:
So, The Perp is experimenting with new hotels. While I think it may have been because the ‘Fancy Hotel’ was sold out. I just want to point out that before the ‘break up’ (if you can call it that) his hotel friend would have found a way to not only get him a room (probably close to an exit) but she would have got him on the top floor of the concierge wing (where the lounge is located). Just some food for thought!

Well…I must get back to work. It’s 10:40 PM here and I have things that still need to be done.

P.S. I’ll leave you with a little teaser…the next post I’ll be working on (barring some ridiculousness not happening first) will detail The Perp’s and my adventures in an undisclosed (you’ll hear why) mid-west city.