Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Ditka Quartet

Upon waking up, if you had told me that I have the honor of watching Mike Ditka get hammered and make out with some random tramp before the day was through, I would never have believed you. In fact, if you had the pleasure of talking to me at 4AM in the morning before I catch my early flight, I probably would have punched you and told you to 'fu©k off' – Clearly, I'm very pleasant early in the morning.

[So this is another quick post but it's so good I had to share it with everyone and just couldn't wait until after the Midwest City series.]

So, I check in last Monday evening as usual. If you can’t tell I (normally, at least until watching tonight’s events) lead a very routine life on Monday's. Anyways, I go for my normal evening run and get cleaned up to go watch Monday Night Football in the “Fancy Hotel” bar. Nothing too special, that is until I walk in and Mike Ditka is there with a bunch of groupies. One groupie in particular seems to have really “caught his attention” (She caught more later) and is all over him at this point. While I can’t be certain, it’s possible there was extra-curricular activities occurring at the bar.

We sit down and order our beers. We don’t have a great view of Da Coach but after about twenty minutes we hear, “that’s amore”…oh no, is this happening? Really? Are they singing? Well the answer is an emphatic yes and it continued for another forty-five minutes. They didn’t even bother singing real karaoke…there was no bar music whatsoever. They were just singing along to their own “beat”. We decide to move to the bar since it’s cleared out a bit. One can only assume that it’s due to the “past its’ expiration date” singing that could be heard throughout the bar.

So, we get to the bar and get situated. We decide to order another round of drinks and apparently that triggered another round of ridiculous singing. Now, I didn’t know that it was “buy a beer get a headache” Monday, but it would have been nice to be forewarned. I’m sure I tipped accordingly but that’s beside the point.

Update: Da Coach is now obnoxiously making out with this very classy lady.

In an attempt to make fun of our little opera singer friends, my co-worker breaks out with a “bombom bombom bombom bombom bombom bombom bom” I, in ridiculously speedy fashion, decide to sing “Enter sandman, bring me a drink” to the melody, which, if you’ve ever heard either the Metallica song (“Enter Sandman”) or the Emmylou Harris song (“Mister Sandman”), you know two things. First, the phrases ‘enter sandman’ and ‘bring me drink’ don’t appear in either of the songs. And secondly, being the idiot I am, have no clue of this at the time and totally go with it.

Update: Da Coach and the skank are now practically going to pleasure-town at the bar.

Needless to say, I was quickly corrected and have hung-up my singing jacket. Ditka should have done the same, but something tells me he actually thinks he’s good. Anyways, this joke will live on forever.

Anyways, we’re still laughing hysterically at this when I see Da Coach’s clearly interested friend get up and leave. I’m thinking to myself that it’s probably for the best but approximately one minute later she’s back…not for long. She taps him on the shoulder and faster than you can say “Grossman Blows” Da Coach is out of his seat, grabbing his leather jacket and back to sucking face with this girl as they leave. I’m sure they were just going to smoke one of Mike’s cigars...but they never came back.

After Ditka had been gone a while, like five minutes, one of his roid-popping friends, who by the way is balder than Britney Spears, shouted to several groupies left at the bar, “hey, I got a Ditka cigar, think he ‘Clintoned’ her with it?”. Nice, I wish I could eBay that! Well, this immediately draws at least one uber-tool (the parent of the more common tool species) who thinks he is Da Man. Well he is obviously not but the groupies humor him anyways. They start with another round of songs before putting on their wigs (well one of them needed to) and leaving…btw, one of them tried to skip out on his tab and the bartender chased him down. It’s good to see that at least groupies still have to pay since it appears that Ditka left without doing so. To be fair, though, I’m sure they know his room number.

That’s pretty much the end of the story but we definitely had a great time watching this unfold. I tried to get a picture with my phone but I just couldn’t swing the angle from our original location. Once we moved to the bar everything moved pretty quickly and he spent most of his time face-to-face with said skank. I’m sorry to disappoint!

For more on the “ultra-ultra-ultra conservative” Mike Ditka please check out his Wikipedia entry. I personally thought it was rather humorous to find that he so openly left the bar with some girl that couldn’t have been older then twenty-five when he has a wife and four kids at home…weird!


Anonymous said...

Do you have photo proof?

Jake said...

I thought the tool family consisted of:
1. tool
2. toolbelt
3. toolbox
4. toolshed (the motherlode of tools)

just my two(tool)cents.

Anonymous said...

No pics, no credibility. Poorly written post too.