The "Hat Trick"

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, it’s just been a crazy few weeks. Spent a couple weeks in the state of Tennessee bailing out the professionally inept from their own idiocy. Needless to say that was a great time that I never wish upon anyone. Tennessee was an ‘interesting’ place but I’m guessing I’ll never have to go back and well…let’s just say I’m not totally upset about that. Anyways, I just wanted to throw up a quick post to discuss another Perp misstep in the world of business travel…destroying a rental car gas tank just wasn’t enough.

So, a couple weeks ago (yes, I know I’m behind but I’ve had a crappy couple of weeks. If you can’t deal with it find another blog to read – I’m still a little bitter about the busy schedule if you can’t tell) The Perp just had a horrible week. There are so many things I could discuss, but I’ll stick to the travel mess. Please review the following chain of events…

Thursday:

• You know this story – The Perp mutilates a rental car gas tank. In fact, it was so great it deserved a post of its own. If you need a refresher please review the last post “The Big E-mpty Tank”.

Friday, approximately 9:00am:

• Bystander: hey, what time is your flight today?
• Perp: good question, let me take a look
• Bystander: sounds good, I’m getting out of here on the 2:30pm flight
• Perp: Mother F*©KE® Son of a B*t©H
• Bystander: you ok over there man? Sounds like you’ve got a problem!
• Perp: you’re not going to guess what I did
• Bystander: $20 says I can!
• Bystander: your flight was last night and you totally didn’t show up huh? (I am laughing hysterically because I know I’m so right Ken Jennings (if you don’t know just look it up) is jealous)
• Perp: man, I can’t believe this. I tore up a gas tank last night and now I don’t have a flight today…wtf
• Bystander: (still laughing hysterically) how’d you muff that up?
• Perp: SH*T, I’ve got to get a flight arranged. What’s the number to the airline you hate (a.k.a. United)?
• Bystander: it’s ***-***-****. Good luck with that…let me know how much they want to charge Lumbergh (insert more laughter here)
• 5 minutes of actual work later…
• Perp: WTFFFFF…it’s going to cost $1,000 to get on today’s flight. I may have to do it.
• Bystander: Really, are you serious? It was nice knowing you because you’re totally going to be fired!
• Perp: I’ll just book on a low cost carrier
  Genius…wow…crisis averted!

Friday, approximately 10:30am:

• Perp: man, today has been awful
• Bystander: I’ve seen worse…no big deal man. You’re golden and will be home before I will.
• Perp: listen to what else happened to me today
• Bystander: (thinking quietly to myself – man this is going to be great): what’s that?
• Perp: so last night front desk girl didn’t come home with me
• Bystander: understood…saw her shut you down in person…she’s a tramp
• Perp: well this morning I decided to handle business myself.
• Bystander: (threw up a little bit but recovered) WTF man…no need to tell
• Perp: wait this is good, so I rented “banging backseat MILFs” and after round one I decided to stop it and pack. Well, normally when you stop it you can resume without…
• Bystander: wait, wait wait. What the F*©K, how often do you do this?!? Nevermind, I don’t want to know!
• Perp: Only on occasion. Anyways, normally when you stop you can resume later for free. Well when I went back to it and clicked play it said ‘purchasing’. So I’m pretty sure I’m getting charged twice.
• Bystander: Well did you call and talk to the front desk about the second charge? Don’t you have an ‘in’ at the front desk? Or aren’t you ‘in’ at the front desk…something like that?!?
• Perp: Nah, I was a little too embarrassed and figured I’d just leave it as is
• Bystander: yea, that should tell you something. Maybe you shouldn’t be watching porn on Friday mornings before coming to work.
• Perp: ehh, round two was awesome
• Bystander: Dude, WTF.
• Perp: ok, time for me to get ready for my new flight.

So to recap The Hat Trick. The Perp destroyed a rental car gas tank, missed his Thursday night flight in an attempt to nail the hotel girl and was double charged for porn at the hotel.

Awesome…until next time folks.

The Big E-mpty Tank

While the real humor of this post may be lost to some, mostly those who don't know The Perp and his uncanny ability to have things happen to him, I’m sure several of you will find the following story humorous. I’ll be working to add some of the past stories as I get time away from being a Bob…it just takes time to catch up when someone is basically handing you material everyday. As for now, onto the story!First of all, The Perp showed up at Avis this past Monday morning (we hope, but given his track record it may have been afternoon – story behind this to follow shortly) to pick up his rental car. It just so happens that he's in Connecticut this week and apparently Avis thinks it would be funny to give the cougar-hunting Perp a Chrysler Town and Country. That's right folks, they gave him a minivan. Personally, I would have complained but I guess it’s better than those Hyundai's, Kia's and Chevy Cobalts that Hertz has.


Cut to Thursday.

The Perp is currently, not as in right this minute, hooking up with a hotel employee – normally I’d say there is nothing wrong with that but it just so happens that she works at the hotel we all call our home away from home. I’m sure there are several things such as “don’t sh*t where you sleep” or something that I could say but I’ll leave it at this – don’t f*ck this up Perp because I enjoy my hotel accommodations…most weeks. Anyways, more to follow on this cover story soon.

Apparently there is a big state fair in Connecticut called the Big E in which six states participate and it’s an excuse for the northerners to either a) act like southerners, or b) make fun of southerners for having state fairs. I’m not sure which it is but The Perp convinced me to go with him – awesome, I feel an adventure coming. He’s got one thing on his mind right now and is convinced he’ll get some from the front-desk girl tonight…any takers on a wager?

I tell him we should drive my car because I don’t want to be seen in the Town and Country. He isn’t fazed by the embarrassing ride and says we should take his car so that he can bring his lady home if he needs to – apparently the back seat of a Ford Focus isn’t enough space. I tell him I don’t care anymore because he is driving either way. This turns out to be an awful idea.

We get on the road and I’m complaining like a little girl because I’m starving and we were supposed to get food before going to the fair. About half way there we hit a bump in the road, wtf? We brush it off as a bump due to the massive amount of construction on the road…whatever. We finally get near our final destination and a cop pulls up beside us and says “you two know you’re leaking gas”. My first inclination was to tell him “Yea, we were trying to see how long it would take you to catch on” but I refrain and say thanks. He asks us to pull into the next parking lot so we can take a look at things.

The Perp pulls into the parking lot as directed and we get out take a look at the car. Note to self: the word leaking in no way implies gushing! We get out and from the time The Perp put the minivan in park to the time we get out of the car we have amassed a small pond of gasoline (below). I tell the cop that we aren’t leaking anything, we’re gushing gasoline. He calls the fire department to come clean up our mess.

(That really is the tow truck that came, I just don't give away free advertising and have blacked out their name)

The Perp looks at the gas gauge, sure enough we’ve lost almost ½ a tank…this is just comical.

The fire department shows up and thinks this is kind of funny. One grabs the keys to the minivan and yells “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go fill up” and the other asks if we can use the minivan for a bonfire. I think both are absolutely great and laugh hysterically.

The Perp calls Avis customer service for the first, second and third time. They continue to ask if they can put him on hold and when he says “No” they do it anyways. He hangs up.

The fire department did not bring enough kitty litter to absorb the gasoline so they resort to some sort of ultra-absorbent pad – I coin them the “maxi pads”.
The lead fireman asks to speak with Avis, so The Perp gets them on the line. Jokes on him, they put him on hold, again. The fireman isn’t amused. Repeat three times until someone finally stays on the line.

They arrange something and apparently a tow truck is on the way. We wait around for the tow truck to arrive and take that thing away…it reeks of gasoline fumes and I’m still hungry, I’m whining like a girl again.

Anyways, the minivan is gone so we head to the fair. I am finally going to get some food…yes! We find his front-desk girl and I go get food. I come back and we wander around to find a beer stand. We find seats and I berate front-desk girl for giving me such a crappy room. She’s hammered and thinks I’m kidding, I go with it so I don’t totally ruin The Perps chances.

It’s time to leave and we walk out of the fair. The Perp convinced them to deliver his ‘new’ rental car without him being there and to hide the keys behind the wheel. This sounded like a great idea at the time, because I was hungry, but now we realize we’re not totally sure where the rental car is. After figuring out how to get through the fair gates which have been locked we find the rental car.

I see The Perp kiss his girl goodnight and try to convince her to come with him. I think she’s too drunk to know what’s going on but she ends up not coming. Well isn’t that the perfect ending – we ruin a rental car gas tank and The Perp doesn’t get his nightly love…wtf?!?

Anyways, we find the keys and start the drive to the hotel (without the hotel employee) and proceed to laugh hysterically at the nights events.
Until next time folks.

Introducing the Bobs

This simple post is tasked with introducing you to the 'characters' you'll learn to love through the posts on this blog - obviously we'll get around to making this it's own page eventually. Most likely when the 'cast' grows.

The Innocent Bystander: Well that's me. I'll be writing most of the posts, at least the majority of each post and then The Perp will review to make sure I got all the details right. I wouldn't want to be accused of giving him more credit than is deserved. Anyways, I'm a consultant (mostly IT consultant so I'm not a true Bob - but one can dream can't he?!?) and that's really all there is to say about that. I'm a married man and The Perp constantly accuses me of living vicariously through him - too bad I'm normally there to observe these train wrecks.

The Perp: A friend and co-worker, The Perp has a unique knack for getting himself into situations that are damn near indescribable. I'm not even kidding, I will probably struggle to do them justice...but I won't sell myself short just yet. The Perp is a great guy, so don't hold any of these posts against him...just take them for what they are - humor.

Lumbergh/Michael Scott: Ok, so he doesn't really deserve the title(s) but what better names to give your boss?!? Honestly, he's also a great guy that really enjoys giving The Perp a hard time. He has some of the wittiest one-liners you'll ever hear so he earned a spot as a cast member - we'll be sure to get those Michael Scott-esk lines posted as he drops them.