The Big E-mpty Tank

While the real humor of this post may be lost to some, mostly those who don't know The Perp and his uncanny ability to have things happen to him, I’m sure several of you will find the following story humorous. I’ll be working to add some of the past stories as I get time away from being a Bob…it just takes time to catch up when someone is basically handing you material everyday. As for now, onto the story!First of all, The Perp showed up at Avis this past Monday morning (we hope, but given his track record it may have been afternoon – story behind this to follow shortly) to pick up his rental car. It just so happens that he's in Connecticut this week and apparently Avis thinks it would be funny to give the cougar-hunting Perp a Chrysler Town and Country. That's right folks, they gave him a minivan. Personally, I would have complained but I guess it’s better than those Hyundai's, Kia's and Chevy Cobalts that Hertz has.


Cut to Thursday.

The Perp is currently, not as in right this minute, hooking up with a hotel employee – normally I’d say there is nothing wrong with that but it just so happens that she works at the hotel we all call our home away from home. I’m sure there are several things such as “don’t sh*t where you sleep” or something that I could say but I’ll leave it at this – don’t f*ck this up Perp because I enjoy my hotel accommodations…most weeks. Anyways, more to follow on this cover story soon.

Apparently there is a big state fair in Connecticut called the Big E in which six states participate and it’s an excuse for the northerners to either a) act like southerners, or b) make fun of southerners for having state fairs. I’m not sure which it is but The Perp convinced me to go with him – awesome, I feel an adventure coming. He’s got one thing on his mind right now and is convinced he’ll get some from the front-desk girl tonight…any takers on a wager?

I tell him we should drive my car because I don’t want to be seen in the Town and Country. He isn’t fazed by the embarrassing ride and says we should take his car so that he can bring his lady home if he needs to – apparently the back seat of a Ford Focus isn’t enough space. I tell him I don’t care anymore because he is driving either way. This turns out to be an awful idea.

We get on the road and I’m complaining like a little girl because I’m starving and we were supposed to get food before going to the fair. About half way there we hit a bump in the road, wtf? We brush it off as a bump due to the massive amount of construction on the road…whatever. We finally get near our final destination and a cop pulls up beside us and says “you two know you’re leaking gas”. My first inclination was to tell him “Yea, we were trying to see how long it would take you to catch on” but I refrain and say thanks. He asks us to pull into the next parking lot so we can take a look at things.

The Perp pulls into the parking lot as directed and we get out take a look at the car. Note to self: the word leaking in no way implies gushing! We get out and from the time The Perp put the minivan in park to the time we get out of the car we have amassed a small pond of gasoline (below). I tell the cop that we aren’t leaking anything, we’re gushing gasoline. He calls the fire department to come clean up our mess.

(That really is the tow truck that came, I just don't give away free advertising and have blacked out their name)

The Perp looks at the gas gauge, sure enough we’ve lost almost ½ a tank…this is just comical.

The fire department shows up and thinks this is kind of funny. One grabs the keys to the minivan and yells “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go fill up” and the other asks if we can use the minivan for a bonfire. I think both are absolutely great and laugh hysterically.

The Perp calls Avis customer service for the first, second and third time. They continue to ask if they can put him on hold and when he says “No” they do it anyways. He hangs up.

The fire department did not bring enough kitty litter to absorb the gasoline so they resort to some sort of ultra-absorbent pad – I coin them the “maxi pads”.
The lead fireman asks to speak with Avis, so The Perp gets them on the line. Jokes on him, they put him on hold, again. The fireman isn’t amused. Repeat three times until someone finally stays on the line.

They arrange something and apparently a tow truck is on the way. We wait around for the tow truck to arrive and take that thing away…it reeks of gasoline fumes and I’m still hungry, I’m whining like a girl again.

Anyways, the minivan is gone so we head to the fair. I am finally going to get some food…yes! We find his front-desk girl and I go get food. I come back and we wander around to find a beer stand. We find seats and I berate front-desk girl for giving me such a crappy room. She’s hammered and thinks I’m kidding, I go with it so I don’t totally ruin The Perps chances.

It’s time to leave and we walk out of the fair. The Perp convinced them to deliver his ‘new’ rental car without him being there and to hide the keys behind the wheel. This sounded like a great idea at the time, because I was hungry, but now we realize we’re not totally sure where the rental car is. After figuring out how to get through the fair gates which have been locked we find the rental car.

I see The Perp kiss his girl goodnight and try to convince her to come with him. I think she’s too drunk to know what’s going on but she ends up not coming. Well isn’t that the perfect ending – we ruin a rental car gas tank and The Perp doesn’t get his nightly love…wtf?!?

Anyways, we find the keys and start the drive to the hotel (without the hotel employee) and proceed to laugh hysterically at the nights events.
Until next time folks.